I pitched a fit in front of my dad (and by dad, I mean the heavenly one).
No, I didn't lay on the ground kicking and screaming, but don't think that I didn't contemplate it. First, I had it out with him in the car on the way home-I mean, almost to the point of yelling. I turned the radio up as loud as my ears would tolerate, hoping that it would drown out my thoughts....but no luck. When I got home, I threw the car into park so hard I thought I might have broken the gear shift. I stomped up the stairs to my apartment, slammed the door, proceeded into my room where I aggressively chunked my purse and phone across the bed and began tearing off my coat. Unfortunately none of this really did anything to make me feel better. Well, maybe just a little...
But the frustrating part is, I don't know who I am more irritated at - myself, or God.
For the past year or so, I have been on this incredibly humbling and sometimes just downright laborious journey of self-awareness with God. I've learned more about myself in the past year than I have in the last 5 years combined. And for that, i'm very grateful. Sometimes it's beautiful, but sometimes it's just downright gross. I've been forced to dig back into pain from my past that has brought new pain and frustrations to the surface, but also freedom and release. With that process comes a wave of emotions. I've cried more in the past 2 months than I have in the past 3 years combined. I feel like for the last year i've been on a constant emotional roller coaster. If I were to be completely honest, here are some of the thoughts that have, at some point in recent months, run through my head:
I'm mad at myself for letting little things distract me and take me way off course
I'm frustrated with God for not fulfilling some of the desires of my heart already
I'm disappointed that i've let myself fall into the same trap multiple times
I'm tired of being emotionally drained
I'm humbled at the fact that God is still using me amidst this season of refinement
I'm ready to be pursued
I'm afraid i'm not good enough
I'm overwhelmed with the thought of how much I still have to learn
I'm thankful that God loves me in spite of all of these thoughts...
I don't share these thoughts because I need encouragement or affirmation. I share them because it's where I am. I'm in a season of refinement...and in that season is some ugliness.
But I welcome it.
Every day isn't like this. There are many, many days where I laugh constantly and I can't stop thanking God for all the blessings he has bestowed on an undeserving sinner like me. Blessings which include those few and far between ugly days where my heart hurts so much I can hardly stand it. Because I know that in pain, there is redemption. In hurt, there is hope. And in brokenness, there is beauty.